This post was going to begin with a 1984 Dewey gag but it turns out that 198.4 is parked around the classification for the Philosophy of Scandinavia, which doesn’t exactly lend itself well to jokes. So please just laugh amongst yourselves as I elect myself as Library Dictator. Yes, this does involve some sort of (knitted) uniform, possibly a massive crown and definitely a dictatorial pet bird.
As the Library Dictator (in my own fictional world, not actually been promoted in the most epic way imaginable), here is the official list of new library laws that I have rolled out, severe punishments included.
- Thou Shalt Not Use Highlighters
Crime: The use of the most vile and repulsive stationary item, the neon demon stick. This is the ultimate library crime, involving the desecration of lovely books with mindless scribbles. If you want to highlight books don’t be so selfish and buy them yourself or at least photocopy the pages. There is no defence. If only I could literally point at the highlighter stained fingertips and say ‘AHA it was YOU all along.’ Yes, it would be like I was Poirot thankyouverymuch.
Punishment: If you are caught neon-handed, only the highest punishment will do. From now on, whenever you sit down to a delicious meal you will be served only the Fish Burger (McFishy?) from McDonalds, which is the ultimate worst item of junk food. You will never eat anything unhealthy and tasty again.
- Thou Shalt Also Not Use Those Sticky Markers
Crime: The highlighter for hipsters. I just get so angry when I see a book with them poking out like happy little waving fingers waving at me until you shitting well rip them out and the sticky bits stay behind. Just the thought is giving me a coronary.
Punishment: There will be crumbs in your bed forever. And you will not even get to eat the biscuits.
- Thou Shalt Not Return Wet Books
Crime: If your book is wet then you’ve done something very wrong. It doesn’t matter if it is wet with liquid gold or your own bodily fluids. All books should be dry. Here’s a tip – is it raining? Are you enjoying a delicious beverage? Are you in the bath or the sea or a canoe? Put the book back.
Punishment: You will always have a dry chip. No vinegar or ketchup for you. (Yes, these are all becoming food related. No I am not hungry, why would you ask that?)
- Thou Shalt Not Bring Kiddiewinks Into The Library
Crime: Having children. Just kidding haha.. We do allow children in the library but if they are under 10 they can’t go upstairs. I don’t have a problem with children per se but it’s those sneaky ones that look 5 years old but are 14 or the massive ogre ones that turn out to be 7. I’m just sick of embarrassing myself asking how old children are. Brand them or something please!
Punishment: Oh lawks I can’t punish the ickle children. Well, maybe they can get a satsuma in their Christmas stocking this year. Yeah take that kids, have some vitamin C.
- Thou Shalt Not Use The Word ‘Placement’
Crime: Never is an excuse weaker than when a student says they can’t renew their books or pay their fines because they were on placement. Just typing those horrible letters make my inner hideous witchy crone come out to scream at them. Everyone is on placement, renew your bloody books like a grown up.
Punishment: Whenever you choose a chocolate it will always be coconut – and coconut aint bad but you’ll never have a nice strawberry crème or mini galaxy caramel again. Ha, take that with you on placement.
- Thine Mother and Father Shalt Not Phone Up For Thou As If Thou Art A Big Baby
Crime: Self-explanatory. If you are old enough to be in university you should never ever get mummy and daddy to phone up for you, especially to ask if we can wave diddums’ fines.
Punishment: If you like your parents so much they can do everything with you, include go with you on dates, sleep in your bed and shower with you. Yes it is creepy, but necessary.
- Thou Shalt Not Eat Thy Delicious Food In Front Of The Librarians
Crime: If I’m hungry (i.e. 90% of my waking moments) then I don’t want to see and smell your delicious food. Hot food is banned anyway so that’s a double whammy of a crime.
Punishment: If you want to eat cold food, pay me a tithe of a good nibble on your flapjack. If it’s hot food then you must surrender it immediately and watch as I stuff it into my big gob.
Good job I’m not a Library Dictator eh, or else I’d be obese.
PS. If you know the mammals in the pictures then let’s be friends 🙂